Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
