Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

so i’m at the stock market right

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles