Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers