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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Breaking news:
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.