grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.