I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
💻🤡
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”