Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.