#parenting
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
this country is so goddamn polarized
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Stop being racist to kettles.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.