If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
You Might Also Like
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.