Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Good boy 😂😂

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that