Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet