[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
GM✌🏻
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.