Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Oddly specific
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
i smell a pulitzer
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.