Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Jurassic park gets weird
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today