Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar