People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Help Wanted
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
So sick of all these stupid rules
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.