I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
this makes me so uncomfortable
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
same bro
3% human
97% stress
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas