“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
😭😭
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
10/10 no notes
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK