Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.