I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN