Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.