Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

this is literally a CIA plant