Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

🤣

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.