Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Livid.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

work smarter, not harder

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Morningbreath

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I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.