I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.