Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
And that about sums it up.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.