Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Yup.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel