Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

What a chick magnet..

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪