Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

three things we don’t talk about

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans