Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

middle school in the ’90s

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”