Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
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hear me out : pockets for your socks
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?