90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks