Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

The most accurate map ever devised.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

I think about this a lot

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us