Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved