Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
How to draw a duck
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.