Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.