Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.