Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something