the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
…żyje?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!