Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

In space, no one can hear…

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?