Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.