Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?