Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
You Might Also Like
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name