Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Optional boss fight.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

aesthetic

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.