Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
dream blunt rotation
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN