Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
found this cool rock hiking today
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Imma just leave this here…………
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.