Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco