Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again