(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food