Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

I will never stop laughing at this

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good