i baked you a cake
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Check your privilege
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.